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Root Causes

April 28, 2011

It’s 7:30pm and I just watched a really surprisingly powerful Oprah show (I’m going to miss her).  It was with Rob Lowe and he was talking about his new book.  I heart Rob Lowe… so I took off my work clothes, grabbed something to eat and snuggled into my favorite chair to watch.

Switching gears for a second- over the last couple weeks, I’ve been reacquainting myself with the concept of intuitive eating which I’ve talked about before.  My two major downfalls with intuitive eating last time was that I judged myself and I never really put weight loss on the back burner.

This time, I’m learning from my past… no judgment and no obsessing about weight loss- the latter being harder than you can imagine.  If I had to give myself  ” an intuitive eating” grade over the last couple weeks, I’d give myself a solid B.  I am trying to be fully present in deciding what and when to eat; I’m trying to be fully present when I overeat and catalogue what overeating feels like;  I’m trying to recognize when I’m hungry and what that feels like and what it feels like to eat at different levels of hungry; I’m trying to be cognizant of the different gradations of overeating and what they all feel like (physically and emotionally); I’m trying to pinpoint why I don’t stop eating once I’m full and why sometimes I take just a couple extra bites or why sometimes I basically have another whole meal.  I’m in the exploration phase: right now it’s all about non-judgmental observation and documentation.

Most times, my documentation is just 5-10 minutes of quiet time with myself reflecting on all those things I just talked about and taking mental notes.  Tonight, I overate… consciously.  Another definition of conscious overeating? Bingeing… as I sit here and write this- my stomach is still uncomfortably full.  Tonight, while watching Oprah, I binged for the first time since I re-started this process.  And once I was done watching Oprah, I didn’t judge (ok, maybe a little judgment for a few seconds).  But I began reflecting on what had just transpired to observe and document.

As I sat here, reflecting… I knew there was something going on that would need more than mental note taking so I busted out some paper to journal it.  Four lines in, I thought: “Why exactly are you writing this long hand in a random notebook when you have a blog?”… and so here I am: the clearly delinquent blogger.

So what was I feeling and thinking about tonight before the binge?  I was feeling nervous and anxious because my car registration expired FIVE months ago. I finally renewed my registration last weekend but I’m still waiting for my new tags to come in the mail.  After five months of ridiculous luck, I finally got pulled over by a cop this evening on my way home from work.  Thankfully, he was a super nice cop and didn’t give me a ticket. But he did tell me that even though my tags are current in the system (he checked), failure to dislpay your tags comes with hefty consequences: they could impound my car and take me downtown AND give me a $150 ticket.  So even though my tags are current, I’m not displaying them (because they haven’t come yet).  After this near miss, I got home and checked my mail hoping that my new decals would have come (no dice).  And so I’m upset with myself for being so delinquent in renewing my registration and nervous about driving in to work tomorrow (which I very well may not do given the potential consequences).   I was also angry at someone from work who recently has made me feel excluded on things that I used to be included on.

I had unexpressed anger at a work colleague knowing full well I could never express that anger and was nervous and anxious about the idea of driving before my new tags get in and mad at myself for putting myself in this position where I may be stuck without a car for a few days.  Before writing this last (run-on) sentence, I thought the reason I binged was out of nervousness, anxiousness, and anger. I shivered at what I actually felt as I wrote those words, I felt  powerless.  Powerless to tell my co-worker how I really felt, powerless to get my new tags for my car any sooner than the DMV gets them to me, powerless to know if I could get away with driving a couple more days.

There is probably no feeling that rocks me to my core more than feeling powerless.   It took nearly 800 words, but I figured out that the root cause of my binge: feeling powerless… no judgment, for now just observing and documenting.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. kris permalink
    April 28, 2011 9:56 pm

    So glad to see you are well and in your own way taking steps in the right direction. =)

  2. August 18, 2011 9:49 pm

    I still check your website hoping that you will come back.

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