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Waiting for Better Days 11-1-10

February 23, 2011

I don’t know about all of you out there, but for me- my personal computer is primarily used for the internet.  So it’s on the rare occasion that I’m in my documents folder.  Last weekend, I was in “my documents” folder and a document title caught my eye: Waiting for Better Days 11-1-10.  I knew exactly what it was even though I probably haven’t set eyes on its content since 11-1-10.  For whatever reason, I didn’t open the document (which is really a journal entry without the journal) until tonight.  And although most of the things I speak of in this faux journal entry aren’t my “current” feelings, reading the words felt currently familiar. And now that I’m blogging again, I had to share.

I have a story to tell.  Many think they have heard the story but they have only heard bits and pieces of it.  I fear telling the whole story because to give it a voice seems unthinkable.  But my current way of “dealing” hasn’t worked for a very long time and so I have decided to try another approach.

When I step out of myself and look at the life that I lead in public, I’d describe me as fun-loving, full of life, successful, smart, overweight but with a pretty face, great friends, charismatic, overachiever but humble.  I guess I should add master manipulator to that laundry list because that’s what I do.  I manipulate myself and those around me into thinking that everything is o.k.

Everything is not o.k.  Things are far from o.k.  I am unhappy in a way that rocks me to my core.  I am unhappy with my weight.  I am unhappy with my career (the usual silver lining of my pathetic life).  I am unhappy with my non-existent personal life.  I am just plain unhappy.  Unhappy is the wrong word.  Unhappiness is bearable… what I’m feeling is an unhappiness that has spiraled out of control and has now opened the door to desperation and hopelessness.

I have been through things that make people say- “you are so well adjusted”.  I always smile when I hear that… I think to myself- “I’m not well adjusted, I just play well adjusted convincingly.”  My well-adjusted façade serves me well most days.  But when I am truly alone with my thoughts, my façade vanishes like a ghost… and I’m left with a dismal reality.

I didn’t know my father for my first 10 years of life and when I met him, I realized he had no real interest in knowing me.  I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend who I was desperately hoping would become my dad and fill that void. I didn’t speak of the molestation for months out of fear, shock, shame, and who knows why else.  I finally did tell my family and no one believed me.  NO ONE… do you have any idea what that does to a child? My family finally came around and believed me after a few months, but we moved into my molester’s home anyway for financial reasons. By 13 years old, my hope for a father and my trust in people were gone.  I had been abandoned or let down by nearly every adult in my life.  I began to binge eat, I began to create my façade, I began to survive instead of live.

I have never been intimate with a man.  I have loved but never had love truly reciprocated.  I am told that my believing that my weight is what is holding me back from dating is all in my head. And although I can hear that my thinking is flawed, I don’t really believe that my thinking is flawed.  I have never had a boyfriend although I give great love advice to my friends (even they say so).  I have done a lot of “work” on myself so that I could be open to love but love still can’t seem to find me (refer back to weight and dating).  I have no reason in the world to believe that love will ever find me.  I have placed a lot of emphasis on my career because it was the one area of my life that I didn’t somehow screw up and that was seemingly healthy… until a couple months ago.

And now I’m at a crossroads.

I’ve been waiting for better days for all of my life and I’m growing impatient.  I have pockets of time when I believe my life won’t get any better than it is… when I believe I will always be a binge eater… when I believe that I will never find peace with my body… when I believe that I will never know true love… when I believe that I am in this world alone… when I believe that it would be easier and less painful if I just gave up.

I think most of us have these kind of days, but I think these days and the feelings happen to me more than it does to most.  And that’s scary.  Because I don’t want to give up… there’s a part of me that wants to believe it will get better.

But you know what the worst kind of heartbreak is?  Holding out hope for something that never seems to happen so as to always experience the let down and disappointment.

That’s what I have been doing for the better part of 20 years.  Holding out hope that life will get better.  And sometimes it does get better…but even when life gets better, I can honestly say that life is never good.  I mean, really good.  And isn’t that what I deserve?  Isn’t that what we all deserve? I want a contented life. I want to stop waiting for better days.

I’m exhausted and defeated from all the waiting.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. chickbug permalink
    February 23, 2011 11:08 pm

    sadness, fear, shame, anger, hopelessness…they can engulf you. when you are in the midst of the storm they seem like they are going to suck you up. and then the waters calm a little…and you can make out the horizon in the distance. you’ve been in the middle of some crazy storms. but you survived. and you grew stronger. and it might not seem fair or make sense, but the fact you survived is what matters. because it makes the days in the sunshine that much better.

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