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Fifteen Days To Go

May 25, 2010

15.  That’s how many days I have left for my subscription expires and I can’t wait till it ends.

One thing that’s been interesting about this blogging experience so far is many of my close friends who knew me pre thirty something and searching are now realizing that I have real issues with my weight.  The thing is, most days I don’t have issues with my weight or body.  But when it comes to dating (or more accurately, my attempts at dating), I feel like that “fat” girl with the lowest self esteem.

I have come so far when it comes to my body image but all of that seems to go out the window when I think about my my attempts at a love life.  And although I don’t believe I will have any success on, I still hold out hope.  I sign in from time to time and some dark corner of my brain thinks “maybe they’ll be a guy interested in me this time.”  But that doesn’t usually happen.  And I begin to feel undesirable.  Don’t get me wrong, and its cohorts (eharmony, okcupid, etc) used to send me into a downward spiral of depression and self hate.  And this is no longer the case… but it does remind me how hard it is (and has been) for me to date.

People have told me that if I was a size 6, I could have the same struggles with dating I’m having now and maybe that’s true… but maybe it isn’t. And you know what, I believe it isn’t.

Would I be married now if I was thinner?  I have no freaking idea.  Would I have a loving boyfriend if I was thinner?  I have no freaking idea.  But what I do know is that if I was thinner, I’d go on more dates and frankly, that’s all I want right now. (Mind you, if and when I do go on more dates- I will then begin to complain about wanting a boyfriend but I’m going to stick to the problem at hand.)

I know there are guys out there who would date a fat girl, but I do think they are few and far between… at least in this city.  And I certainly think that on-line dating does not highlight my strengths (for lack of a better term) when it comes to dating.  But what does?  Speed dating causes me mini panic attacks and quite frankly, I think is so similar to on-line dating that I would encounter the same problems.  I tried to get involved in my church’s young adult group, but all the guys were either in a relationship, gay, or 23.  I’ve become pretty vocal with friends that I’m open to a blind date if they know someone (not that that’s ever panned out).  I do my best to go out and meet new people and hang out in different social circles. But no luck.  Since 2008, I’ve been on 3 dates (with 2 different guys).

I can’t wait till June 8th when I will no longer have some unrealistic hope gnawing at me that will work because I’ll no longer be a member.  And as much as I rejoice at this impending date, what happens then?  What will I be doing to actively put myself out there in the dating world?  Maybe the answer is I should do nothing.

Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…

Maybe this should be my new mantra come June 8th.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 25, 2010 1:26 pm

    I’ve been meaning to write a comment about this and I never do because unsolicited advice on dating is beyond irritating but I read somewhere that talking to your network (friends, family, co-workers) and being totally blunt about wanting to meet anyone who isn’t married or a sociopath is the way to go in the modern world of dating. Beyond who they think would be a good match but any guy who is willing to meet and is single. I thought it sounded like a very good plan in that it’s a little more casual than blind dates because no one is saying this person is perfect for you and it expands your network so if you meet a bunch of guys and even if they aren’t the guy they might know someone and so on. I liked the practicality of it because you never get what you want if you’re not honest about it.

    If I could find the article i’d link it because it’s a bit more clear than what i’ve written but it’s been years, i remember it because i liked the idea so much…putting what you want into the atmosphere and seeing what comes back.

    • May 26, 2010 10:53 am

      @amy, I like that idea… takes what I’ve been already doing (albeit only recently) to the next level so to speak. And you’re advice isn’t really unsolicited since I opened pandora’s box by blogging about it! 😉

  2. kbj permalink
    May 25, 2010 9:09 pm

    Here’s the problem with your potential mantra: you have to be able to define happiness for it to work…and who the hell knows how to do that? You could be so busy trying to ignore the part of your life that you think will bring you happiness that you miss the part of your life that is already bringing you happiness (a happiness you don’t recognize as happiness because you’ve been defining it based on ____fill in the blank_____)

    • May 26, 2010 10:55 am

      You’re absolutely right @kbj and that’s the rub… figuring out what “happiness” really is. I haven’t figured it out yet (clearly), but I’m gonna keep trying to.

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