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A Goodbye Letter

March 15, 2010

Over the weekend, I made a bold move and had 2 of my dearest friends help me cut off all of my chemically processed (relaxed hair).  It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.  I was supposed to allow my hair to grow out for a year before cutting off the relaxed ends, but I was committed to my natural hair journey.  And once I was fully committed and realized that I was fully committed, I saw no reason to wait.

I wish other changes could be like this one- that once you become fully committed to a change, you can tangibly start over in the matter of hours.   For years, I struggled to “lose weight” and what I wouldn’t have given (back then) to start from scratch when it came to my body, eating habits and exercise.

Now, I no longer obsess about weight loss… instead I search for body acceptance.  What I wouldn’t give (now) to erase all of the negative and unhealthy associations I’ve made with my fat.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to let go of years of self-hate.  What I wouldn’t give to have the chance to do with my body image what I did with my hair- just start over.  And although I can’t start over in the same clear cut, tangible way… I can let go of things that hold me back… starting with me.

To the Fat Girl I was:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see how amazing and beautiful you were. I’m sorry that I felt the need to overstuff you with food so I could hide my “shame and ugliness”. I’m just sorry I didn’t treat you better. I should have.

I should have realized that what you needed was acceptance and love.  I allowed other people’s views of you to cloud my thinking.

I’m sorry that I saw your body as being ugly and unattractive. I’m sorry that I thought you were worthless. I made you the fat girl and then had the nerve to turn around and judge what I created. And for that I apologize. But I have to say, you were freakin resilient! For years, you went out into the world everyday with a smile on your face and being the life of the party. I don’t think anyone had any idea how much you were hurting inside.

I did you wrong, but you did the best you could with the cards you were dealt and for that- I thank you. You never let that fat girl image get you all the way down… you survived, barely- but you survived all the ridicule, the loneliness, the jokes, the awkward situations.

But now, I’m ready to let go of that  self-hating fat girl I created.  Because after all, I created you.  I can destroy you.  And I can create a new persona.  It took me years to create the complicated fat girl you were and it may take me years to create and mold the cool, confident fat chick I want to become.  But I can’t hold on to you and also create her, that’s just unproductive.

But by letting you go, I’m not judging who you were… I’m just realizing that the fat girl I was is part of my past and not my future.

Goodbye with love,

A sassy confident Fat Chick (under construction)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 15, 2010 10:19 am

    Sniff – you made me cry a little.

    • March 15, 2010 10:44 am

      Aww, thanks NCP… this was unexpectedly one of those transforming weekends! But I’m definitely a better person because of it. 🙂

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