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A Perfect Fit

January 19, 2010

Right now, my #1 focus is becoming comfortable in my own skin.  Everything else will come after or it won’t, but nothing will actually change if I’m not happy with myself.  So that’s my focus, accepting my body just the way it is.  I think that’s also part of what’s driving my decision to stop processing my hair and to go natural.

Being uncomfortable with your own body is one of the worst feelings.  But I can think of a worse feeling: being uncomfortable in the clothes you are wearing because they no longer fit.

From late 2007 to 2008, I had lost nearly 60 pounds and I felt like a train going full speed ahead and couldn’t fathom anything getting in my way (however, enter stage right a year of working 70+ hour weeks).  But since I couldn’t see my train coming off its tracks, I did something that I normally don’t do.  I got rid of all of my clothes that no longer fit me and there was alot.

But you see, I’ve gained 20+ pounds in 2009 but was still trying to fit in clothes from 20 pounds ago.

I’ve been putting off and putting off buying new clothes because the purchasing of new clothes would be the final evidence that these 20+ pounds aren’t going to just “go away.”  And so, I’ve been stuffing myself in the few pieces of my wardrobe that I could still squeeze into and feeling uncomfortable all the while.

Seems somewhat disingenuous to be working towards body acceptance and still trying to stuff myself into size 18 and 20 clothes.  And this morning, I had enough.  I was getting ready for work and I wiggled my way into my only pair of jeans that “fits” and then I put on one of my favorite blazers and felt like my upper arm circulation was being cut off.  And I was about to leave the house after doing one final check in the mirror.  I thought I looked cute, BUT I felt horrible, constrained and uncomfortable.

I wiggled out of my jeans and put on an old pair of jeans that I had given to a friend over a year ago when I purged my closet of all the clothes that were now too big for me.  Over the weekend (after days of complaining of my sparse wardrobe), she graciously offered to return to me 2 pairs of jeans that I had given her.

What a relief.  I pulled up these jeans and it was like being reintroduced to an old friend.  They basically glided on!  I buttoned them up and breathed a sigh of relief (partly because I could actually breath in these jeans versus the other pair).  And then I went back to the mirror and took another look.

The jacket was definitely starting to cut off circulation in my upper arms?  But I thought it made me look slimmer (because it was tight).  Oh the tricks that a  f*cked up mind can play on you!!!

It was time to embrace my body.  Not just with words and not just in this blog, but in what I wore.  So I took off the jacket.  A more accurate description would be that I peeled off the jacket (the sleeves were stuck on my upper arms and it took some elbow grease to remove them).  I put on a white sweater and when I looked in the mirror, I felt good. Not because of the image staring back at me (although I did visually look good), but because I felt good!

My outfit today wasn’t my first choice.  But in this outfit, I can breathe, I can bend over, I have full arm motion, I feel comfortable, and I look nice.  In my book, that’s a perfect fit.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 19, 2010 1:08 pm

    That is very important to remeber that your clothes have to fit not be too tight.. That is not a good thing if your clothes are too tight. I hope that you are able to loose weight if that is what you want.. I know the exact thing that you are going through…I lost alot of weight and then i gained it all back..but now i am losing it and i am feeling great fitting into clothes that i couldnt fit into before and i just feel confident… do whatever makes u feel confident and surround yourself with people who love you no matter what u look like 🙂

  2. hsofia permalink
    January 19, 2010 8:14 pm

    Good for you! It’s important to have those outfits that make you feel good – not like you are not good enough (for your own clothes!).

  3. January 21, 2010 10:38 am

    it was also a super-cute outfit, by the way…

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