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Good Riddance,

January 15, 2010

Oh it feels so good to be done with… it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  On-line dating just doesn’t work for me.  And although my subscription doesn’t end till June 2010, I’m D-O-N-E.

It was so time.  Some may see my act as giving up or quitting on something I’ve already paid for, but I see it as not allowing anyone or anything to make me feel like I’m less than.  I envy the women who have found self-acceptance and although I’m not there yet, that is my final destination and things like are roadblocks on my journey.

Making me categorize my body type and then showing me man after man who isn’t interested in anything but slender or athletic and toned women makes me angry, sad, depressed… and then turns my weight loss goals into goals of finding a guy- which is the last reason I want to lose weight.  Not that this reason has ever worked for me in the past.  I have done some form of on-line dating for the last 3 years intermittently and each and every time, it is a demoralizing process.  I already think (albeit through suppressed feelings) that I’m not worthy of a good decent guy, I already think that I’m not sexy enough and and it’s brethren kind just confirm my already-warped thoughts.

And if I’m really going to try and accept my body in its full fat glory, then good riddance… and this time I mean it.  You’re incessant commercials will not draw me back in.  You offering me a year subscription for the price of 6 months won’t do it either.  I’m moving on.

Just to be clear, I am still open to dating and I definitely still want to find someone… but I’ve come to terms with the fact that it won’t be on one of those on-line sites.  Not now.  I’m trying desperately to find a way to love myself and build my self acceptance all the while is tearing me down.

Maybe when I’m stronger, I can give on-line dating a shot.  Because I know fat girls that on-line dating has worked for, but not only has it produced only 2 dates (in 3 years)… more importantly, it makes me feel like crap.  So for now, only good vibes allowed into my space and, you have never sent good vibes my way!

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 16, 2010 8:06 am

    About that smoothie, because who cares if the comments are relevant. So, you buy a bunch of bananas and then neglect to eat them, this step is VERY IMPORTANT. My bananas were really small because I thought that would help me eat them faster (fat girl logic I guess) so I tossed a whole small banana, 1/2 c stonyfield fat free french vanilla, 1 tablespoon of orange juice (i expect milk would work too, just enough to make it less thick) and 3/4 c of dole fancy mix frozen fruit. I can’t remember what it was called, it had pineapple, strawberries, peaches and maybe mango? I can’t remember what that cost so I’m not sure it’s a budget meal or not. Those calculations make it 4.5 points on weight watchers. It kept me full all morning with a cheese stick an hour or so before lunch. I guess it’s all the fiber in the fruit and the protein from the yogurt. It came out very thick so it takes a while to sip, which I expect also helps with feeling full and satisfied. Geez, writing about this stuff really does verge on the erotic…

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