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Another Day of Bad Decisions

January 8, 2010

Let me start off by saying “it could have been worse”, but one more day in my life has come and gone and once again– it was riddled with unhealthy decisions.  Even with this acknowledgment, I am not down on myself… more so stating a fact from yesterday.

A bunch of co-workers and I went to a planned happy hour last night.  Since this happy hour was planned, I had been  thinking about over the last couple days what I could do prevent those bad behaviors that always happen to me at happy hours.  And although I “thought” about it, I never followed through on it.  It was a fleeting thought but nothing I ever committed to or even tried to implement.  That was my first mistake.  I know full well that successful weight loss is just as much as about planning as it is about working out and eating right.

Happy Hour was a blast: a “4-5 glasses of champagne, a shared cheese plate, chips, and a quesadilla” kind of blast.  But I was still ok with that because it’s not as if I actually failed… I never set a goal or had a plan so nothing to fail at, right?  And as I just wrote that previous sentence, a light bulb went off.  That’s why I didn’t have a goal or plan for last night- I didn’t believe I would succeed so instead of trying- I just didn’t.  And since I didn’t try, I didn’t fail.  Man, I’m a manipulative kind of chick.

I then came home and watched some tv… by 10pm, I wanted to eat.  Was I hungry?  Not exactly, but nor was I full.  And I knew I never actually had dinner, so it stood to reason that I could eat something small and not feel completely ashamed (or at least that was my train of thought).  And so I had a grilled cheese sandwich.  Probably could have had something with some more nutritional value, but eh.  The day was a wash anyway (or at least that was my train of thought).  And then the train went completely off the tracks.

Quick sidebar/confession- I have a serious problem with bread.  Specifically bread and butter preferably toasted.    On more occasions than I can count, I have finished an entire loaf of bread within a day by just eating toast with butter.  A few years back, I acknowledged my problem and decided that I could no longer have sliced (or unsliced) bread in my home.  I never learned to control this vice so I decided like an alcoholic- I just needed to remove it from my life… or at least my home life.   Until last weekend.  During my Sunday supermarket shopping, I decided I was going to experiment with bread again.  If I could buy a loaf of bread that didn’t really taste all that good but could serve its purposes for sandwiches and such- maybe that would work (at least that was my train of thought).   And although this was probably a bad idea, it kind of worked.  I bought the loaf of bread on Sunday and it’s now Friday and a 1/3 of it is still left- WHICH  IS SOME KIND OF RECORD FOR ME.

But back to last night.  Directly after my grilled cheese sandwich, I wanted more food.  Was I hungry?  No.  Definitely no. But I wanted to eat.  And I knew what was coming next- I wanted to go make some toast.  I would start off with two slices.  Eat that.  Then go and toast another two slices and eat that.  And so on and so on.  And that would be an epic failure because just that morning, I was so proud of myself for having half the loaf still sitting on my counter even though the bread was purchased 5 days prior.  The same kind of pride I had after running my first mile… just knowing I did something I never thought I could do.

So here I was, after 10 pm last night, certain that I was about to dive into the remaining slices of bread left.  But I stopped myself, kind of.  I stopped myself from having a butter and toast marathon, but I couldn’t stop myself from eating (even though I wasn’t hungry).  So I decided to make french toast with 3 slices of the bread.  (Remember, I already had a grilled cheese sandwich not even 15 minutes before).  My train of thought?  “Well, if I have french toast with 3 slices, that’s better than finishing off what’s left of the bread and having 8 slices of butter and toast.”  Ahh, the beauty of irrational thinking.

So I made my non-hungry self some french toast at 10:30pm at night.  Bad decisions all day long, but I guess it could have been worse.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 11, 2010 10:32 am

    it is so refreshing to hear someone talk about senseless food addiction. because to people who don’t deal with it, it sounds so dumb. like, food addiction? haha yeah ok whatever, just stop eating, fatty.

    but NO. it is not like that AT ALL. it is an actual chemical addiction in the brain, just like drugs or alcohol.

    i found The End of Overeating by Dr. David Kessler shockingly helpful in countering my own food addiction. although i was really skeptical as i started reading, i have actually seen real results over the past few months.

    • January 12, 2010 10:39 pm

      so true akp about food addiction. And with drug or alcohol addiction, you can stay away from it completely. Food? No dice. Kinda need it to keep up the living thing.

  2. kpw permalink
    January 11, 2010 7:51 pm

    Let’s look at the positives here for a moment. You did not eat the entire loaf of bread. You didn’t go on a toast and butter marathon. You came up with a plan (the french toast) and adverted a total crisis. Was your day totally perfect? Probably not, but I think a high five is in order!

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