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Skinny Friends vs. Fat Friends

January 7, 2010

Forgive me fat-o-sphere, for I have sinned.  These are my confessions:

Some women have been blessed with smarts.  Others with “good genes”.  Others with a supportive family.   And although I would say that I possess all of the above to some degree, the thing that I have been truly blessed with is an amazing circle of friends.  For as long as I can remember, I have had the most amazing friends in the world.  They have stood by me, propped me up, told me the painful truth, listened to me bitch and complain, and the list goes on.  I am humbled and blessed by each and every one of them.

But now that I have purged all the sappiness- let me get down to this post.  My body image issues run deep.  So deep that sometimes I feel better about myself when I’m out with my skinny friends.  I feel that I’m perceived a different way when I’m out with skinny women than when I go out with a majority of fat women.   Sick, I know.  I also know that this “perceived a different way” is only in my head.  As if, people are like:  “oh well, pfft, she must have something going for her even though she’s fat because look at all the skinny, beautiful girls she’s hanging out with.”  Or if like magic, my skinny friends serve as a force field that disguises the fact that I’m fat.

I think what happens is that when I’m hanging out with beautiful, skinny people- I can forget for minutes at a time that I’m a fat chick and seep into their world of beauty.   I can make myself disappear when I’m with my “beautiful” friends.  (clearly beautiful is in quotes because rationally I know all my friends are beautiful, but since we’re talking about my issue riddled self right now- this is how I see it).

And when I go out with a group of 3 or 4 women who are all overweight?  It’s staring back at me in the face every second.  I”m a fat chick.  And I feel like the whole world is staring too and can see my fatness so clearly.  And it’s embarrassing and makes me feel ashamed.  I try to tell myself that this is not about being superficial (I’m not embarrassed by my friends);  but about my own body image issues.  But when these feelings come over me, I feel like a complete shit for ever linking feelings of embarrassment and shame with my friends or for wanting to hang out with my skinnier friends because of how I THINK I will be perceived.

Please tell me I’m not the only woman who has such f*cked up issues with her own self image that  she’s embarrassed (on some level) to go out with a group of friends because they’re fat?

One Comment leave one →
  1. dorothygray permalink
    January 25, 2010 12:15 pm

    First of all, I just want to say in reference to another one of your postings (and relative to this one as well), that it is no coincidence that you are blessed with such an awesome circle of friends. You are blessed with them because of who YOU are. So think about this, especially in reference to what other posters have said about what kind of person you are, and what you are projecting to potential mates and just regular-old-“people”. I know you’re dissatisfied with certain aspects of your life, but just think about the last decade… one thing that hasn’t changed (and has probably even gotten better!) is your amazing circle of friends. You have them because of who YOU are. I can say, admittedly/selfishly, that I enjoy your friendship and company because of the person you are and the friend that you are to me. Regardless of where you “are” in your own head and thought process or whether you’re having a good day or a bad day, for me, you are always the same person – the person who I know… my friend. Everyone has good days and bad days… but that doesn’t change the person you are. And I am not exaggerating in the least bit when I say that I have often compared myself to you in that way. Admittedly (putting is all out there now!) I have many times wished I could be more like you. I also have a wonderful circle of friends, but it’s a very small circle. I think it’s small for a number of reasons, but among them… I tend to turn inward a lot, where you are better at also turning outward and sharing yourself with the world and living in the moment (I could go on). Sometimes I feel like my own romantic relationship failures (or the non-existence of a relationship for me) is because I’m simply boring – or there is nothing at all special about my personality / nothing who defines who I am. As much as I’d like to change this about myself and be noticed in a different way, I realize it’s just a part of myself and my personality that cannot be changed. It’s innate. I so often wish I was smarter or funnier or a number of other distinctive things that people would notice. My own personal issues aside, the fact remains that you are a vibrant, sparkling human being who people LOVE to be around, and THAT is why you have such a totally devoted circle of friends and why people are attracted to you, The Person. I simply cherish you. I hope this doesn’t sound cheesy or contrived, because I truly mean every word of it from the bottom of my heart.

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